Reflections and First Impressions

9/5

Wed, 05 Sep 2012 15:30:58 -0400

Even now, sitting here, everything reminds me of her. I’m outside feeling the slow transition from golden summer to the orange and green breezes of fall. Raindrops drum on my clothes and lazily zigzag down my glasses, and my mind takes me back to the two of us in the warmest water, swimming in the storms of weeks past, embracing while the sky opens up above, and the way we looked at each other like we were the sane ones.

3/30/12

Fri, 30 Mar 2012 19:39:33 -0400

Just spend the whole day in Lexington with B. Every muscle in my body was screaming to touch her at every instance our arms brushed as we walked. I wanted to put my arm around her or hold her hand or any showing of affection that was both innocent and meaningful. Every look she gives me, every laugh I am responsible for, the way she says my name, everything means so much more to me then it rightly should. I feel reckless and adolescent for falling so hard for this girl in the most innocent of ways. She feels pure as snow, and I’m the cloudy mud that is trying so hard not to invade her beauty, but I want her in ways that are all at once foreign and all too familiar.

Photo

Tue, 26 Jul 2011 17:48:10 -0400

7/26/11

Tue, 26 Jul 2011 17:48:01 -0400

I’m indifferent, and it isn’t any fun. I’ve had, or rather I’ve progressed through, a various number of tactics for courting women since the first day I decided I was the kind of person that courted women. Right now, I couldn’t give a shit either way if I am of interest to the women I am interested in. I make plans with them, and the message has been told to my face and my brain that I am no longer the sort of person who is easily impressed by the appearance of infatuation nor dismay in others. But, to be honest, I haven’t really gotten the chance to show my new-found disposition. I’ve been stood up a few times, and the fact that I have some reaction to that worries me that I haven’t been practicing enough. That I have interest in these girls after all. But this mustn’t be interest, what I’m feeling, because there is nothing interesting about it.

7/15/11

Wed, 20 Jul 2011 20:42:55 -0400

As a man, I’ve known a number of loves. I’ve known lust and infatuation and rejection; a myriad of various pangs and urges, pure or malevolent, of the heart and mind. And I’ve felt contentment in waking up next to the girl I have aligned with and being greeted by the choices I have made. But I’ve also felt that sickness; that silently heart-splitting realization of a falling out of love, through outside factors or inner strife. And when that leads to a parting of ways and a regrouping of emotions and possessions, I’ve tended to keep my ways parted.

But she is a special case. We no longer are together, but she still occupies a part of my heart as someone who I consider a friend and great woman. There is a bond that is humbling, as it contradicts what I always thought was unthinkable as a relationship after a relationship. It is something that is as delicate as it is strong.

7/11/11

Tue, 12 Jul 2011 23:49:12 -0400

We agreed to meet at a bookstore/cafe. I got there early, as I do often so I have time to collect my thoughts. I gave her a hug, and she smiled and told me I looked like I had stepped out of a dockers ad. She got a chai tea, and I got a black coffee that I turned a parchment color with a cloud of cream.

She told me about her job as a summer councilor at a rehabilitation camp for at-risk youths, and I told her about my days spent working as a barista and my nights entertaining girls who would smile at me as they thought of someone else. We spoke about work extensively, and about love in passing. Neither of us wanted to be the first to say that we had missed one another, but she could tell by my face that I wanted her company.

I walked her out to her car, and pulled her in for a kiss as she squeezed my hand; an intimate moment amidst the distractions of the world around us. A moment we both needed.